The Stages of a Women’s Health Expo

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Some people find themselves at concert venues on a regular basis, and then there are others who end up at Women’s Health Expos. Throughout the past year I have somehow ended up at multiple “Women’s Health Expos” and aside from the excitement of a room full of health conscious women can have, you have free reign to embrace anything and everything feminine.

The missions and agendas of a health expo of feminine proportions is as complex as the female mind itself, and no topic is off limits.

9:00 am My feminine intuition tells me it is going to be a great day. There is pink and purple everywhere and I can already hear the murmer of the always light topics in women’s health… heart disease, breast cancer, osteoporosis, depression, and autoimmune diseases.

9:30 am Sipping sparkling water and eating spinach disguised in the form of a chocolate muffin we have a speaker on the importance of calcium in a woman’s diet.

9:31 am Mentally resolve to throw away the 3 month old half gallon of hormone infused milk that I have been avoiding for a bovine hormone free brand instead.

10:00 am We realize that once you hit 60 your bones will most likely start breaking at random.

11:00 am  All this talk of hormones has signaled the beginning of the end and everyone is preoccupied with the nagging thought of infertility. Multiple women resolve to have eggs frozen in the near future.

11:05  am The baby talk feels like bad karma so we migrate over to a table on youth supplements.

11:30 am Apparently smiling more than 5 times a day will take another 10 years from your youthful glow. Smiling is now reserved for mandatory occasions, like knowing you are eating spinach and can’t taste it.

12 pm Lunch is a glorious salad. Spirits are dulled by the lack of dressing in place of fresh squeezed lemon. They tell us it’s for metabolism health…

12:05 pm: The table commiserates about saddle bags. I consider if the 3 chocolate spinach muffins earlier were a good idea. Proceed to drench everything in the magical lemon dressing.

1 pm We are all growing mustaches from the hormone milk, not smiling, and have raging metabolisms from the supposed miracle lemon substitute.

2 pm A speaker announces the beginning of a raffle. This revives spirits.

2:15 pm The first prize is a Sphygmomanometer which I am surprised to find measures your blood pressure and in fact does not enable time travel. Remaining prizes range from a free heart-disease consultation, a self-breast exam ‘how to’ basket, and free samples of Summer’s Eve.

2:16 pm I resist the urge to reference the most recent episode of Vanderpump Rules, when Stassi explains that the idiots in her life are ruining her blood pressure, for fear of sounding like the vapid young adult.

3:00 pm No prizes have made their way to our table. The rest happens quickly and all at once leading to a complete disengagement from productivity.

3:05 pm –Why don’t they have like Luke Bryan tickets or something

Omg those pants he wears

What I would do for teeth that white

-I have been using gel, the only thing is moderately temperate foods make me feel like my teeth are falling out of my head.

Beauty is pain…heard that…hate that

-I heard those whitening chemicals can mess with your hormones

  -Ugh speaking of hormones again, I’m about to start my period

-Wasn’t there a table that had tampons?

3:30 pm We are thanked for our commitment to women’s health and leave with a purse full of tampons and shampoo samples.

-RV

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